


inexplicably high, inexplicably low

by dunkindonts



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sad Victor Nikiforov, like two sentences but be safe, the viktor/yuuri is background and yuuri is only mentioned!! sorry this is more of a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 05:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10870401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunkindonts/pseuds/dunkindonts
Summary: Viktor has grown used to the thrumming in his veins.





	inexplicably high, inexplicably low

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhh so this is short and mostly just me ###projecting on viktor nikiforov
> 
> the buzzy feeling he's talking about is like. what happens to me when my depression and anxiety collide and form this frantic monster that has to do anything and everything at once and like i said. projecting
> 
> the parentheses parts are flashbacks - sorry if that's not clear lol
> 
> title is from [inexplicable](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcmBowQsVrg)

Viktor has grown used to the thrumming in his veins. The insistent push-push-push that tells him to go out (get out) get drunk get fucked. It has its lulls – the change between seasons, both natural and skating, are quieter. Some holidays (recently added: Yuuri’s birthday), are calm and familiar. But when it returns, it claws its way back with renewed fervor. The reprieve only makes the buzzing stronger.

(The break adds strength to the current that wraps its way around his limbs and tugs him in every direction until he’s pinned against the wall in the bathroom of some bar, each thrust forcing a harsh moan from his throat while the glitter caked on his eyelids drips to his cheeks.

He says thanks as the guy pulls out. The guy doesn’t get the hint and tries to kiss at his neck, only stopping when Viktor fists a hand his thick curls and pushes his head away. He’s cute enough, but not enough to justify leaving a mark.

Viktor leaves the bar, the buzz in his blood muted by the sex and alcohol. He braids and rebraids his hair in the cab home, hoping his head stays quiet enough for him to sleep.)

He’d been naïve, thinking Yuuri could keep the buzz subdued forever. His head has been too fucked for too long for any one person to fix with their presence, even with Yuuri being as amazing as he is. Viktor will keep waking up with his bones vibrating under his skin, his teeth clacking within his skull, the tug to do something impulsive, spontaneous, outlandish pulling at him. To get out get out get out.

(“Chris!"

“Viktor, it’s three am.”

“Oh, is it? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. What are you doing this week?” His words come out in a rapid fire bunch, piling on top of each other, squishing into almost unrecognizable English.

“What?”

“I thought I might visit.”

There’s only silence from the other line. Then:

“Viktor, it’s the middle of the season.”

“We can skate together! And do _other things_ , hmm, yes?”

“Viktor, _tu connais je t’aime_ , but I don’t know if this is your best idea.”

“Oh.” The buzz halts for a moment, but not in the good way. It’s frozen in his bloodstream, humming a fraction of its normal volume, biding its time until the return. “I could keep up with training in Switzerland.”

“Vik.”

“What?” Viktor tries and fails to not sound like a petulant child.

“Are you okay?”

He pauses. “I’ll be fine.”

“Fine.” Chris sighs. “Get some sleep, _mon cher_. Good night.”

“Night, Chris.”

The call time blinks at Viktor from his too bright screen. He doesn’t sleep.)

He needs to tell Yuuri about the push-push-push and the chokehold its got him in.

Viktor’s doing better than he was – he doesn’t need to escape to strangers in bars with Yuuri. He didn’t know having a significant other could be mutually rewarding. Before Yuuri, he wasn’t sure if he could be happy.

(Maybe he’ll tell Yuuri about Alexei and his frequent apologies but more frequent slaps.

The soft punch of his words as he steadily blacked out parts of Viktor’s life.

He probably should tell Yuuri about Alexei, but he doesn’t want to think about him.)

Alexei left because of the buzzy feeling – he liked that Viktor was more receptive to bruises during sex. Maybe that was the only thing he liked about Viktor. He left because Viktor and his issues were too much.

Yuuri won’t do that. Yuuri has already shared so much with Viktor, Viktor feels sick thinking about how much he’s been withholding.  

Yuuri will meet Viktor where he is, and hold on.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for readin bub
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/hopewhirl) | [tumblr](https://transvityaa.tumblr.com)


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